But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
