my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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