there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
