she woke up with a sticky ear
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
