This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Two words: nipple clamps
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