$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
