y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
