I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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