I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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