I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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