I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
