I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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