Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
