i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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