I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
