just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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