Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
