Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
