Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
