just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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