Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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