I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
