4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
