I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
