mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
