I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
