That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
