He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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