he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
