he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
