there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
