Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
