he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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