She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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