that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You took a bar mat shot.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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