I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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