She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
