i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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