I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How's work?
Spinning.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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