it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
