I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
