so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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