If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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