At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
