i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
