hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
