Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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