I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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