I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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