Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
