I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
